In theory, losing weight is a no-brainer.
This is what you’re supposed to do:
- Eat less.
- Move more.
- Just do it.
- Until you’re a slim and sexy beast.
- And conquer the world.
Usually, it goes like this:
- Make big weight loss plans.
- Engorge yourself right before the big plan begins.
- Eat less for a few days.
- Move more for a few days.
- Find any excuse to fuck things up.
- Keep fucking up until you hate yourself more than ever.
- Take a break from dieting for a while.
- Decide you’re up for another try even though you know it’s all a big cycle of self-torture that can only end in ever-deepening layers of self-hatred.
- Wonder if you might be more into masochistic self-torture than fitness (you are).
So here’s the big crazy weight loss idea…
No matter what, this time, I am NOT going to self-torture (famous last words, lol). Dear god, I swear it’s true! I am giving up all emotional self-flagellation! Well, maybe not all but that’s not the point.
This new weight loss plan is going to be nothing but hedonistic pleasure.
What the hell, right?
My typical weight loss plans always end in an ugly trainwreck of emotionally masochistic self-torture. Maybe all the failure has taken enough toll that I’m realizing I might as well enjoy myself (in a non-masochistic way) whether or not I actually lose weight.
Before, I always thought I needed to have some clever weight loss concepts to get things done. But things feel different now.
This time, I’m seriously dumbing down the process:
- No more extensive calorie calculations.
- No big nutrition plans.
- No expensive coaches.
- No hype.
- No big expectations.
- No stress.
The only requirement I’m going to place on myself is this:
Whatever I do must feel like pure hedonistic pleasure!
Don’t ask me how the hell I’m going to pull it off. I’m making this up as we go.
Must be purely pleasurable.
Hold on a sec. I think I have something.
It’s a step in the right direction. This is not a mere weight loss plan, but a lifestyle pleasure plan. God, it’s so first-world.
Alas, here we are with our made-up, first-world psycho-babble-ous poppycock, trying to figure out how to overcome total indulgence in enough food to feed a family of 10.
Ok forget all that. I’m still fat, so…
A weight loss plan masquerading as a lifestyle pleasure plan can only have one foundational principle:
You exist for pleasure!
I hear my primitive brain cheering in the background. What a concept. We’re hard-wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain, even though we are capable of confusing the two, right? Nothing so subtly pleasurable (to some) as pushing on a bruise.
Anyway, finding your ideal weight is meant to be pleasurable! Not a self-tortuous cycle that can only end in self-loathing and secretly wishing you were dead.
It needs to be more than fun but full of bodily pleasure. Not sexual pleasure, although let’s not rule anything out:)
I don’t know how I am going to do this yet, but maybe I’m onto something?